Choose a trusted second set of eyes

A message arrives that doesn't quite make sense. It might say there's a problem with an account or ask you to open a link. You don't have to work out what it means alone, and you don't have to act before you're ready.

A trusted second opinion on suspicious messages can be as simple as asking one person to look with you. You decide whom to ask, what to show them, and what to do next. The Federal Trade Commission recommends talking to someone you trust when something may be a scam. A short conversation can give you both time to think.

Here's how to choose that person and agree on a comfortable, private way to review a message together.

Choose someone who respects your choices

Think of a family member, friend, neighbor, or another person you know well. The right person is someone who listens without making you feel foolish, respects your privacy, and is willing to say when they aren't sure. They don't have to be a technology expert.

Ask them directly: “If I get a message I'm not sure about, could I ask you to look at it with me?” They can ask you for a second opinion too. Anyone can receive a confusing message, and looking together can be useful at any age.

Agree that asking for help doesn't give the other person permission to manage your accounts or make decisions for you. You can say no to their suggestion, stop the conversation, or choose someone else later. If a person pressures you to share more than you want, you don't have to continue with them.

Agree on a private way to look

Before a questionable message arrives, choose a way to talk that works for both of you. You might sit together and look at your screen, or call using a number you already have for each other and read the relevant part aloud. A call can be useful when you don't want to send a copy of the message anywhere.

If you both prefer to share a picture of the screen, agree on a private conversation you already use and check the recipient before sending. A screenshot can include more than the message: look for account numbers, addresses, other people's messages, and details in notifications. Cover or crop anything private before sending, and check the finished picture to make sure those details are no longer visible. If you can't do that comfortably, read a short description aloud instead.

Don't forward passwords, one-time sign-in codes, account numbers, or other sensitive details. Your helper doesn't need them to discuss whether a message deserves a closer look. Don't send the message to a family group or post it online; more people seeing it doesn't necessarily make the answer clearer.

Agree on what happens to any picture afterward. For example, you can ask the other person to delete their copy after you've talked, including from their recently deleted folder if their device has one. A copy may still exist in backups, so share as little as possible in the first place.

Make a simple agreement

You can settle the details in a few minutes:

Ask first. Agree that the recipient of the message chooses whether to share it. The helper asks before looking at the screen or taking a picture.
Pick a contact method. Choose a familiar number or private conversation, and save the contact yourself if you like. Don't use contact details supplied in the questionable message.
Set a boundary. Share only enough to explain the concern. Keep passwords, sign-in codes, and financial details private.
Decide how to respond if one of you is busy. A missed call doesn't mean the message is safe or unsafe. It's fine to leave the message alone until you can talk, or to check with the organization through a contact you already trust.
Keep the decision yours. Your helper can point out a concern or help find information, but you choose what happens next.

You might write down the person's name and the number you normally use to reach them. You don't need to write down a password or include details from a questionable message in your note.

When a message arrives

Leave links and attachments unopened while you consider the message. Contact your chosen person using your agreed method. Describe what the message says it wants and why you're unsure. If you're together, you can show the screen without handing over your phone.

Look at the wording together, but don't treat a familiar name or a convincing logo as proof of who sent it. Your helper may notice something you missed, and you may know about a transaction they don't. Neither of you needs to be certain before deciding to pause.

If the message claims to be from a company or organization and you want to check, find its contact information independently: use a number on a card or statement you already have, or open the organization's app or website that you know is genuine. Don't use a link or phone number from the questionable message. You can make the call yourself, with your helper beside you if you wish.

Our guide to protecting seniors from email phishing explains more signs to look for in an email. A message can be genuine even if it feels unfamiliar; checking through a known route helps you find out without relying on the message itself.

Keep the arrangement comfortable

After you've used the plan, ask each other what worked. Was it easy to reach the person? Was reading the message aloud enough, or did looking together help? You can change the method or choose another person whenever you want. There's no need to share every message or explain why you kept one private.

Looking out for each other can be an ordinary part of family life, as our Valentine's Day story about protecting loved ones reflects. The goal is a little more room to think, with your choices and your privacy still in your hands.